A Real Half Court Zinger!

Please make this movie be like that Monte Cristo sandwich my uncle was eating right before his heart attack.



You know, the one that killed him.

-JC

Outguess Justin: 2008 Oscars

Here’s your chance…

Best Snack for the Open Monologue:

a) Kraft block of Cheese

b) Sun Chips

c) Soup (eaten from can)

d) Tuna (eaten from can)

Though I usually go for the upbeat audience pleaser, Sun Chip’s long history of solid complimentary performances, see Hoagie in Bryant Park (2005) makes it the masterful munchie of this year’s very close race. Plus, items eaten from the can often cancel each other out.

Best Come-Back when Diablo Cody talks like Juno during her acceptance speech:

a) Weren’t you a stripper?

b) Jack Nicholson said you were a bitch on TMZ.

c) Pussy Ranch “My blog is more graphic and self-indulgent then your blog!”

d) Watching pregnant 16-year-olds barf turns me on.
Thank you.

Here’s where my heart takes over.
Coupling dying star power, see The Bucket List (2008) and powerhouse sludge reporting is more then enough to knock out the Indie gem Latent Pedophilia (2007). Plus “The Worlds First Comedy Based Blog (2008) never got wide release.
(that’s what she said)

Best Original Song:

a) “Once”

b) "Enchanted"

c) "Enchanted"

d) "Enchanted"

e) “August Rush”

August Rush because it reminds the Academy of a time when they make more money. See, Lost a Bet to Tracey Ullman in Nineteen-Ninety-Six ALSO John Waters’ Blown Everyone (In Production)

-JC

The Google Universe is Expanding

(Note: all dates and details have been smudged to protect my ignorance.)

Just as local direction-giving organization, the NYPD has recently acquired the right to carry guns (but not to use them), the Web’s own “Sheriff In Town” has expanded it’s arsenal of front line, hyper-intuitive software.

I give you Postini © 1999.

“With Postini, your company is protected against increasingly malicious internet-based attacks. Your compliance is ensured for government, industry, and internal mandates; and you can re-establish increased productivity for your users.”

True to their word, I do feel safer from “internet-based attacks” but I have to say, increased productivity? (I actually said it out loud) Not with all these amazing features!

"With it's robust option set go for throat of “Get Rich” quick schemes, but feel free to let just a little of that “Sexually Explicit” material on through. Wanna see what these quacks are getting at? With a fully customizable interface you can give a marginally lenient rating to incoming “Racially Insensitive” material while still showing ill-intention entrepreneurs you want none of what their selling by stopping "Special Offers" dead in their cyber-tracks."

Google's recent purchase really shows the laissez-faire(French goes in italics, right?) attitude they've adapted towards the ebb and flow of the Web. Allowing the internet to forge gallantly along, while following quietly behind. Postini © 1999 Now from Google!

Google, squire to the Internet.

-JC

A Place for my Things...

Dear Internet,

We've been through some tough times, hey remember Metacrawler... (Whimsical laughter)

But now I hate YOU! You are a land of unreasonable promises.

Full of "Free IPODS" and games where you “chase Brad Pitt around with a big pair of lips and if you kiss him, you WIN a Prize. I've locked lips with that son of a bitch a hundred times over. Where's my prize Mr. Pitt? Angelina doesn't make those kids waste their lunch break clicking flash animation.

I've done the "There's this totally random video on CollegeHumor..." run around. I still don't like that video where the cat gets his head chopped off. By watching these videos we are perpetuating the stereotype that all cats should be decapitated, and for the most part I don’t agree with that.

We had that moment, that shining month when I knew about Spark Notes and nobody else did. You suckers all bought the Cliff Notes, or even worse read the Book. Online they were free and the teachers don’t know them by heart.

I could gush all night on times of bliss and carnage, that first music video, bootlegs, virus, cookies, goatseed, cybersex,
chat room, tablatures, warez, SmarterChild, Live Feed, Webcam, download manager, java, flash, cheap cigarettes, .mp3, IM,
BBS, F.A.Q, URL, using equal signs and a B to make a penis. I look upon them all fondly. Except for goatseed.

But now I must destroy you!
The Truth shall be my Sword.
Grammar will be my shield.
My horse played upon a keyboard.
The role of my squire, Steve (to refill my water bottle full of instant lemonade.)

So once more unto the breach, dear friends.
We shall ride... we shall ride hard.
But not too hard, so as I might fall out of my chair.

-JC






The World's Smallest Computer.

Ahhh... future memories

I'm posting pictures we'll probably take in the future.

-JC

A little bit of background

How many times can I google image search "4 young boys" looking for a header image for the blog, before a little red light goes of at Google headquarters?

-JC