A Place for my Things...

Dear Internet,

We've been through some tough times, hey remember Metacrawler... (Whimsical laughter)

But now I hate YOU! You are a land of unreasonable promises.

Full of "Free IPODS" and games where you “chase Brad Pitt around with a big pair of lips and if you kiss him, you WIN a Prize. I've locked lips with that son of a bitch a hundred times over. Where's my prize Mr. Pitt? Angelina doesn't make those kids waste their lunch break clicking flash animation.

I've done the "There's this totally random video on CollegeHumor..." run around. I still don't like that video where the cat gets his head chopped off. By watching these videos we are perpetuating the stereotype that all cats should be decapitated, and for the most part I don’t agree with that.

We had that moment, that shining month when I knew about Spark Notes and nobody else did. You suckers all bought the Cliff Notes, or even worse read the Book. Online they were free and the teachers don’t know them by heart.

I could gush all night on times of bliss and carnage, that first music video, bootlegs, virus, cookies, goatseed, cybersex,
chat room, tablatures, warez, SmarterChild, Live Feed, Webcam, download manager, java, flash, cheap cigarettes, .mp3, IM,
BBS, F.A.Q, URL, using equal signs and a B to make a penis. I look upon them all fondly. Except for goatseed.

But now I must destroy you!
The Truth shall be my Sword.
Grammar will be my shield.
My horse played upon a keyboard.
The role of my squire, Steve (to refill my water bottle full of instant lemonade.)

So once more unto the breach, dear friends.
We shall ride... we shall ride hard.
But not too hard, so as I might fall out of my chair.

-JC






The World's Smallest Computer.